Taste Life Blog

The holidays are the time of the year we embrace family traditions, see loved ones and celebrate the goodness of life. But this merry season is not always so merry and can be the most “emotional time” of the year. Many people dread the holidays because of family and friend obligations.

Sara, my unhappy coaching client, was dreading the holidays and seeing her dad. She said, “I don’t think my dad hears me when I talk. When I am with him I feel like I am in a courtroom and being questioned up and down and feel like I am doing something wrong.”  In the presence of her dad she was always on guard and afraid to say or do the wrong things. She was struggling to fix the relationship before the holidays.

Her personal needs of being appreciated or valued by her dad were not being met.  Personal needs (versus body needs like food, water and shelter) are those things we must have in order to be our best. Many people spend their lives trying (consciously or unconsciously) to get these needs met.  Most of us assume these needs will “always be with us” and “that’s just the way we are.”  This is not true.  We can get them met. Here is my favorite coaching tool to help you ask for what you really want.

The first step is to identify your personal needs. There are at over two hundred of them. Examples include being accepted, to accomplish, be loved, be right, be heard and be secure.  We need to narrow our needs list to around five to get them all met. Did you ever notice children are great at getting their needs met. “Read me a book!” “Play with me now.” However, as we get older we feel this isn’t natural to ask for what we want.

Once you identify your needs it is time to ask family, friends and colleagues to satisfy those needs.  In a caring, kind way you can ask for you what you need using the four-part Non-Violent Communication formula by Marshall Rosenberg.
Step one: Observation- When I see or hear ____.
Step two: Feeling – I feel ____.
Step three:  Need/ Value – Because I need__.
Step four: Request – So are you willing to___?

Sarah’s use of this formula would look like this.  Observation – “Dad, I don’t feel we have much of a family relationship these days.” Feeling – “I feel sad out about this dad.”  Need –“ I need to be appreciated by you and included in the family.”  Request – “When can we discuss this in a non-judgmental way?” She was originally going to ask “Can we discuss this dad?”  Always make your request an open ended question not a closed one that prompts immediate action.

As adults we still have emotional and personal needs. We just stopped asking to get them met. People don’t know what we want unless we tell them. Even if you are happily married for thirty years your spouse perhaps doesn’t know all that you need. Your boss doesn’t either.  We teach people how to treat us.

My clients are embarrassed and say it’s too awkward and they can’t possibly ask people for what they need. Don’t let that stop you.  Asking for what you need is not easy and can be scary. But the rewards are immense. The people that love you will want to meet your needs. You won’t come across as needy. Instead you will show up more satisfied, energized and confident.

Today is the day to grant yourself permission to get your personal needs met and make your holidays merry again! Better get busy!