Taste Life Blog

February is love month. Valentine’s day is special in this house as thirty-four years ago we got engaged. Gary should have realized what he was getting into when his “engagement plans” derailed. He took me to this nice, really busy, crowded restaurant in Eau Claire, Wisconsin that served popovers. We were seated right by the kitchen door. Every time the kitchen door opened the bright light flashed in my eyes. I was not happy. My dear bridegroom-to-be wanted to give me the ring at dinner. But, due to my whining (I am sure he has another word) he did not give me the diamond at dinner. So, we ended up at his duplex watching a basketball game and sometime during the game (I am sure when it was a boring part) he gave me the diamond. Our marriage has been just like our engagement. Big joys. Small stuff.

Gary fell 6 weeks ago, had surgery and is in a leg brace for ten weeks. Tonight, as I washed his leg, I told him only four more weeks he has to lie on the couch. He looked at me sadly and said it has already been six weeks. So hard for a guy who is used to working out twice a day and rattles our nerves at church as he fidgets so much he makes the church pew move. I feel so badly for him. It’s as though he is being punished. What has kept our marriage together is empathy. We feel for each other and try to help the other “get through” the challenges.

Jane Reibstein in the “Best Kept Secret: Men’s and Women’s Stories of Lasting Love” says the key feeling underlying love is empathy. Empathy is the ability partners have to tune into each other emotionally.

Reibstein’s FIVE GOLDEN RULES for enduring relationships (200 couples were interviewed):

1. Express gratitude and appreciation for both ordinary and extraordinary acts.

2. Find time to play or share things you both enjoy.

3. Remember your power: each partner is equally vulnerable to feel hurt or to feel helped by the other.

4. Establish some ground rules when conflicts erupt, then stick to them. No character assassinations keep to the particular issue; agree about the importance of taking time out to cool off.

5. Take a long view: Remember and draw on past pleasures and successes. They can help clarify the path to the future to which you’ve committed.