Taste Life Blog

February means love month, chocolate and lots of calories. What’s the best gift after chocolate? Positive emotions! Science has demonstrated that positivity is THE secret to being happy.

Positive emotions are the foundation to that positivity. All month I was paying attention to my emotions – were they positive or negative? John has been my amazing IT guy. When he was 14 years old he came over and fixed a problem on my computer – which four other computer geeks tried to fix. He is a genius. Yet no matter how many times I ask him to show me something he responds with “I have had trouble with that too Chere,” “That’s easy!” I feel listened to without judgment.

This week I heard two examples of extremely negative emotions from my clients.

Studies show that negative emotions affect our productivity and performance for four hours after the “event.” And many people have “two negative events” a day! A client didn’t feel supported and after another long discussion with her manager the client asked her manager, “Please help me understand!” (Excellent words to use) Her manager responded with, “If you would just think about it!” She felt judged and not listened to.

Another client lamented during our coaching call, “I have too much work. We look at the spreadsheet and my project adds up to 1.5 people. That is only one part of my job. I have other stuff to do. I talked to my boss and her reply was, “You’re always telling me you are working late I don’t want to hear that!” Two people asking for help. How would you respond if you were their manager? How about a response with respectful understanding? Many people confuse empathy with pity and sympathy. Or worse yet they don’t even know what empathy is. Here’s a quick primer.

Pity means grieving someone’s experience, usually because of a circumstantial hardship like a person doesn’t have enough money to buy groceries. Often pity leads to charitable contributions like giving money to a charitable organization. A person who pities is saying, “I feel sorry for you.” No one likes to be pitied.

Sympathy is identifying someone’s experience on an emotional level either a painful experience of a celebratory one. Sympathizing with someone means, “I feel your pain,” or “I share your joy.” Sympathizing with someone can make us feel sad as emotions are contagious. Sympathy can interfere with our listening as we focus on our feelings and personal needs more than the other person’s.

Empathy is not about feeling sorry for someone. It is giving the person respect and fully listening to what they are saying without judgment. You listen and appreciate the other person’s experience and clarify what they are feeling, needing and desiring. You reflect on both their verbal and non-verbal cues. Empathy is providing respectful understanding to what a person needs to help them feel better. When you provide empathy you do not interrupt, change the subject to talk about yourself, voice disapproval, criticize or give advice. When you provide empathy you tune into what is being said and the feelings behind the words- you almost feel their words. You reflect back what you heard and clarify what you heard by saying, “I hear you say…” Empathy is a win-win as it builds trust. It helps the person talking gain clarity to make a decision to take action. It will strengthen your relationship with the other person.

Positive and negative emotions are contagious. If you give empathy you will get empathy. With empathy we are saying, “I respect you.”

Communicating with empathy takes time. We are so used to immediately judging or thinking about how we are going to interrupt the other person or to tell them what we think or change the subject and tell them about our life. Giving the gift of empathy is the best gift any time of year and the best part is, it’s calorie free.

Call to Action: Next conversation you have remind yourself to listen without judgment or interruption.

My favorite communication book: Non violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Four Key Questions To Help You Discover Empathy

What can I see and hear that is happening right now?

This keeps us in the present and helps us not assume, judge or evaluate.

What am I feeling and what do I guess the others are feeling?

What do I need and what do I guess the others need?

Personal needs are drivers. When they are met we are happy, when not met very frustrated. Examples of needs are to be acknowledged, appreciated, recognized, secure, calm etc.   You may be hearing, “ I have a need to be acknowledged.”

What action do I want to take?