Give the Priceless Gift of Empathy

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“Can you turn the loud music down a little?” My swim teacher replies, “Ok, but everyone else is ok.” I smile but want to scream, “I am not everyone. I experienced a concussion and sadly the loud music still occasionally bugs me two years later.”

“When you have us cross country ski suspended for 1 minute it is too hard to differentiate the different heart rate levels. Can you change it up?” A different swim teacher replies, “I can do it.” I smile and I want to scream, “I don’t care that you do it, since when is it all about you! You just don’t care about me.”

I call my physical therapy office because I am running late and the receptionist answers. “Can I put you on hold?” I say no and I am put on hold anyway. I talk to her later and tell her, “I did not have time to be put on hold and I wanted to tell you I was running late for my PT appointment.” She replies, “You do what you gotta do.” Again, I felt unheard. I would have loved, “I am sorry to put you on hold and next time I will do better.”

Ever feel not heard, acknowledged or respected? Maybe you are not getting the “love” from other. It is all about the magic word empathy!

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The teeth are smiling but is your heart?
What is empathy?

It is a combination of listening, acknowledging and feeling the other person’s life experiences.

Not be confused with pity. Pity is feeling sorry for someone. We may pity a starving child in another country. This sorrow we feel can lead to helping them but it does not empower them.

Not to be confused with sympathy. Sympathy is identifying with someone’s experience on an emotional level. Sympathizing with someone means, “I feel your pain” or “I share your joy.” Sympathizing with someone can make us feel sad too. Emotions are contagious. Sympathy interferes with our listening, since it turns our attention to our own feelings and overlooks the person we are listening to.

Empathy is respectful understanding of another person’s desires, feelings or needs. You are not judging or hurrying the person you are talking to. You are present with them. When you are empathetic, you are saying, “I respect your life situation.” “I respect your pain right now.” “I celebrate your happiness.” You recognize their emotion and help them feel heard.

Sympathy focuses on myself. Empathy focuses on the other person.

Non-Violent Communication works like charm for empathy. 

 

Here is the four step formula to give and receive empathy:

Step 1: Make observations not evaluations.

Be careful that you are not judging, assuming, or criticizing. Limit your descriptions of what you are observing to your five senses (sight, hearing, smell, touch and taste).

Step 2: Express feelings not thoughts.

We often confuse thoughts with feelings. There are two types of feelings – when needs are met and when they are not met.

When needs are met, we may feel:

Calm, peaceful, energetic, creative, quiet, interested, joyous, thrilled, grateful, appreciative or inspired.

When needs are not met, we may feel:

Sad, afraid, anxious, upset, embarrassed, discouraged, worried, doubtful, conflicted, tired, bored

Key point: We are responsible for how we feel. No one else is responsible for how we feel. If our values are stepped on we experience negative feelings.

Step 3: Identify needs not strategies.

Identify what people need instead of advising and problem solving. I need you to get working is not identifying a need.

Step 4: Make requests, not demands.

When we become crystal clear about the feelings and underlying needs, it’s time to request action. Requests should be open ended questions, not closed ended questions and not start with the word “why” as that often puts people on the defensive. Start the request with “How, what, when.”

Adopted from Wellcoaches®

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EXPRESSING FORMULA: SHARING ABOUT ME (You are speaking)

OBSERVATION

When I see / hear________________

FEELING

I feel_______________

NEED / VALUE

Because I need_______________

REQUEST

So are you willing to_____________??

 

EMPATHIZING FORMULA: FOCUSING ON YOU (You are listening)

OBSERVATION

When you see / hear_______________

FEELING

Are you feeling______________?

NEED / VALUE

Because you need / value______________

REQUEST

Do you want me or yourself to_____________?

Expressing and empathizing formulas are adapted from a presentation by Scottie Lewis, CPCC

empathyExamples:

Event – Wife tries to talk to her husband and he won’t look up from his computer

Observation

I ask you for 5 minutes of your time and you don’t bother to even look up. You say you can multi-task.

Feeling

I feel very sad and sometimes heartbroken.

Need

I have a need to feel appreciated and adored.

Request

What time do you want to talk to me so I don’t feel like I am third place in your life?

 

Event – Boyfriend makes comments that make me feel judged by him

Observation

I accidentally scheduled an evening with you and my friend. When I made a mistake, you casually stated, “Way to go” implying that I really messed things up.

Feeling

I feel sad and judged when you say “Way to go.”

Need

I have a need to be liked and to please others.

Request

In the future what can you do to help me when I accidentally double-book an evening?

 

Event – Don’t feel important to my father

Observation

Dad I don’t feel we have much of a family relationship these days.

Feeling

I feel sad and very stressed out about this dad.

Need

I need to feel appreciated by you and included in the family.

Request

When can we discuss this in a non-judgmental manner dad?

 

Event – We are living together unmarried and it bothers me

Observation

We have been together two and half years and have both expressed our love and integrated our whole lives together with all the kids and yet we still have not tied the knot.

Feeling

I feel sad and have a sense of uneasiness and like I am waiting to move my life forward and become the next part of me. I’m not single and I’m not married…what am I?

Need

I have a need to be acknowledged and for commitment.

Request

How can we together create the financial plan to buy the diamond?

 

Event – My boss is negative

Observation/ event

You talk to me about our unhappy team members

Feeling

I feel frustrated that people may think I am contributing to their stress

I don’t feel listened to.

Need

I have a need to be acknowledged and be heard.

I have a need to accomplish.

Request

Will you please acknowledge and focus on what I have accomplished in addition to what I have not accomplished?

How can you provide me respectful understanding? (Empathy)

How will you back me up and give me your 100% support? (What action will you take?)

 

cathy-decker

Hospitals can be a scary place, but not if it is filled with employees who give empathy like Ridgeview Medical Center. Last week I had a mammogram at RMC and was treated with empathy and loving respect by my radiology tech Cathy Decker. I am never excited to have a mammogram and even less enthusiastic on a chilly December morning. Cathy knew I was cold and said, “I am going to hurry.” Many times she asked me, “Are you ok?” I felt cared about. I felt treasured. She gifted me empathy.

Patient care is more healing -it is the human connection to patient care. Watch this 4 minute video if you want to learn how to treat others with care. You will remember this video for days after you watch it.

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If you could stand in someone else’s shoes: hear what they hear. See what they see. Feel what they feel. Would you treat them differently? Teach people how to treat you in a loving, caring and kind way and the world will become a more beautiful place for you and everyone else. We can’t wait to hear how you gave the gift of empathy this season.

Empathy photo curtesy of flickr