Taste Life Blog

With wild anticipation October 9, 2010 arrived and our niece Nicole married Jonathan. The gorgeous summer-like weather was the red ribbon God wrapped around this gift of a day. The day exceeded everyone’s anticipations with the warm love and beauty that oozed out of the church ceremony and later the reception.  It was a day of feeling extreme positive emotional energy and joy.  I love weddings, as they remind me of my blizzard wedding day back in 1982 and how I was madly in love with Gary and giddy with anticipation of being his bride.  Most days I would say I am working on my marriage.

Clients hire me to have a more satisfying balanced life and, as a result, they become happier and healthier. John and I coached for four sessions. Last session he happily reported, “I am not reading work emails at night anymore.  I am creating lasting memories with my kids. Last night I spent the evening with my 5-year-old making his Robot Halloween costume. We had a ball doing so and he can’t wait to show his friends. What great memories!” I asked him what does he want more of now that he has gotten a handle on life balance at night? He replied, “Now, I want to make memories with my spouse!”

Happy people are exceptionally good at friendships, families and intimate relationships. Studies show that happier people are most likely to have a large circle of friends, a romantic partner and social support. Romantic partners and friends make people happier, but the jury is out if happier people are more likely to acquire romance and friends.  What is known is that studies show that TODAY you can start to cultivate relationships which will reap more positivity. (The secret to being happy.)

My favorite marriage researcher is Professor John Gottman (www.gottman.com) author of the book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. He observes married couples and, with ninety percent accuracy, can predict which will couples will stay together or divorce and also which marriages will improve over the years.

He states, “Failure to connect emotionally can hinder your career. It can interfere with friendships. It can weaken your relationships with relatives, including your kids. It can even ruin your marriage.”  Connecting is not magic. With practice and patience it can be a skill you learn and master just like learning a new computer program or Spanish.

So, what is the secret to connecting? Taking the TIME to connect.  Dr Gottman has found that couples who devote five hours a week to their marriage strengthen their marriage.

Five daily actions by Dr. Gottman to strengthen your marriage

Partings (2 minutes x 5 days = 10 minutes)

Before couples say goodbye every morning, they found out one thing that each is going to do that day.

Reunions (20 minutes x 5 days = 1 hour, 40 minutes)

At the end of each workday, couples have a low-stress reunion conversation.

Affection (5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes)

Touching, grabbing, kissing, holding, all laced with tenderness and forgiveness.

One weekly date (2 hours a week)

Just the two of you in a relaxed atmosphere, updating your love.

Admiration and appreciation (5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes)

Every day genuine affection and appreciation is given.

I can already hear you saying, “I don’t have the time.”  The first step is to make the decision your marriage or relationship is important to you and you want to strengthen it. Then, commit to spending 5 minutes every day expressing to your spouse or partner appreciation, or gratitude for their specific behaviors. (Thank you Gary for raking the 33 bags of leaves this week. Thank you Gary for stopping and picking up milk and bananas.)  At dinner you could use appreciative inquiry and ask, “What was the best part of your day?” (Gary’s answer 99% of the time is a rundown of his bike ride, swimming or working out at the Chaska Community Center – my answer is a wild card every day!)  Gary and I have established the “love call.” I especially love it when Gary’s voice mail love calls when there is no other message attached.

It kickstarts my energy and I accomplish much more.

What if you don’t want or have a romantic partner? Studies leave no question that relationships oxygenate life.  But they don’t have to be romantic ones. Yes, studies have shown that married people are happier than their single peers. But that happiness is not just reserved for them. People who are single often have close, positive and everlasting interpersonal relationships particularly with siblings, friends and their nieces and nephews.   The bottom line is regardless if you married or not, investing in significant relationships will make you happier.

Investing in your relationships is an investment in yourself. People will always forget what you did, but they never forget how you made them feel. Investing in relationships is priceless.

Call to Action: Focus on your positive emotional energy rather than just your physical energy. If you don’t have a lot of “extra emotional energy” make the decision to take a look at the relationships around you. Decide which relationship you want to invest in more. Remember as soon as you decide, your life gets more delicious. You only have one life to live, just imagine if it was one you loved!

With positive energy I type, Chere

For years I carried around the these secrets to successful marriages in my wallet. What are your secrets to being happy in your relationships? Enter a comment below to share your secrets.

SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES

Characteristics of successful long term marriages.

Notice this list says NOTHING about romance or passion.

• An ability to change and tolerate change.
• A willingness to live with the things one can’t change.
• Trust between the partners.
• A balance of dependence on one another.
• A balance of power.
• Enjoyment of each other.
• A shared history that is cherished.

Source:  “Married People: Staying Together in the Age of Divorce” by Francine Klagsburn