Taste Life Blog

You declared this to be your happiest and most successful year ever.  In January, we focus on goals and doing label ourselves successful – the visible part of our life.  But the stuff that keeps us awake at night is the invisible stuff.   It’s often our stressful interactions with our relationships in our work and home life.   This stuff seems like little stuff but it gnaws away at us.  To avoid feeling guilty we try to please others. We don’t want to disappoint at the expense of our own happiness.

Boundaries to the rescue! As a coach for 14 years I have observed weak boundaries that are at the root of 80% of problems. Understanding them can help you create happy balances with all the people in your life. Boundaries are like an energy field that protects your body, mind and spirit. They are what you have determined that other people cannot do to you.

Physical boundaries are used to regulate the distance between us. You can’t go through my purse without my permission. You need to clean up your lunch mess in the office break room.

Emotional boundaries are less tangible but no less real and probably more important than physical. It is the emotional space you create between yourself and others. Often I see a need to please or seek approval from colleagues or boss as the reason to work many hours without compensation. You will burn out but worse than that your colleagues and your boss will start to accept your extra work as the norm and will be disappointed if you try to take back some time.

Here are the 5 top ways people invade your boundaries. Boundary invaders are usually unaware of what they are doing.

1. Requests for your help that ignore refusals, or that, once acquiesced to, go on to require far more time or effort than originally agreed to.
2. Using your belongings or personal property as a matter of course without getting your approval first or borrowing them and not returning them on time or returning them damaged.
3. Holding you hostage by continuing a conversation without regard for the fact that you have said you must leave or are busy, or are clearly trying to put an end to your conversation.
4. Offering your help, or making promises on your behalf, to someone else without first consulting you.
5. Keeping you waiting, not keeping appointments, not respecting your time.

What to do?

First, decide what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in other people. Second, know what you will do if someone crosses your boundary. A great coaching tip I share with all my clients is gently and non-emotionally saying, “this won’t work for me” and then stop speaking. Wait for their response on what will work for them. Or say, “I have a personal need for ______. What can you do to help me get it?” Third, do it regardless of the consequences. Usually it requires that you say something, do something or leave.  Setting boundaries is not a way to vent anger.  It is a process and it will not happen overnight! Practice and practice some more.

What are the benefits? You will attract people who have similar respect for themselves. You will feel more confident and in charge or your life again. Think of the most successful people you know.  They have clear boundaries.  Bet they appear happy too. Remember successful people are not always happy, but happy people are successful. You have one life to live, just imagine it was one you loved! Better get busy!

Originally posted on Chanhassen Villager 

By Serge Bertasius Photography